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en's Homepage

How That Made Me Feel

I suppose you didn't realise
When you told me that
How it would make me feel
When you were together.

I guess you didn't think
How dirty I might find myself,
Just because you told me that.

I know it wasn't easy for you
But you could at least have
Kept it to yourself.

It made me feel so ill
And almost lonely
But I didn't imagine
Just how sick I'd feel
Until you told me.

It wasn't your fault -
I know that now -
But I still can't understand
How you could
Give me that guilt
(Which I never asked for)
Or why you had to tell me
About every embrace and
Frankly every fuck.

It's not like I didn't
Want what you gave,
Or that it wasn't
Just the wrong time:
I was flattered
But I still couldn't
Want that
(Not even for you)
That moment.

So why ignore me
(When I said no)?
Why despise me?
Because I didn't want you?

I didn't want to know
About your movements.
I didn't want to hear
What you did
Or when.
I didn't need to know
How you fucked
Or why
(Though an answer -
At least to why -
Would have said a lot).

You made me feel so dirty:
I didn't want to be
In the room,
But you brought me there.
I didn't want you both
To watch me
But you put me there
In the corner.

Why couldn't you just wait?
Why can't people
Keep their hands to themselves?
Why couldn't you keep away
Just whilst I was still
Fresh on them?

I'm sorry if you wanted
Something I know
I couldn't give.
But can't you see that
You're still taking it
Even though I haven't
Said you could?

Whether or not
You know you do it
Part of that must be
Just for me
And regardless
It's not relevant
When you think about
Who you speak to
(You spoke to me first).

You made me feel that
(And I didn't want to)
Why did I have to hear that?

So every time you tell me
Or say anything like that
Just think about
How it makes me feel
And realise that it's
(Because it is,
If only for how you felt
Six months ago)
And realise that every
Time you do that
It drags me into the room
And I need to vomit
(Just so that I can
Breath my own air
And make my own choices).

I don't resent how you feel
Or felt
But even if you don't mean it
You do inside
(You know you do)
And you have to admit
It's really quite sick
That you'd get to me like that
Just because you couldn't
Any other way.

It's not modesty I'm after
I just need you not
To talk like that.
If you need to say
It's because I'm squeamish
Then go ahead,
But it's not
It's because I care
And will always.

So if you're going
To do that
Just to get inside me
Any time (and yes,
The past counts)
Don't expect me
To stick around and
Take it
(Knives are meant
For inside too).

Is that okay?
Is that fair?